I've been thinking about death lately. Experiencing death has not happened very often for me ... but this time it hurts. My Mum is slowly dying and it's one of the hardest things I've ever had to work through. My dad slowly passed on after about 2 years and as difficult as that was, it has not affected me the same way watching my Mum slowly decline to the point where she doesn't want to eat and is struggling to breathe has. It F&CK!NG S&CKS. 

You see, it's not even just about my mum ... it's also about my son and my daughter and the grief they're experiencing. My Mum was their second mother for many years. She was there for the three of us in a way that I don't know every mother would be for their child. 

My children were often sick when they were elementary school age at and being a single mother with an ex that offered no support and with no family in the area, I had no choice but to stay home with them. They couldn't go to school, they couldn't go to daycare ... they were sick. Eventually my supervisor called me in to her office saying she wanted to talk to me and I walked into to her office expecting a casual conversation but sitting at the table was my supervisor and a representative from human resources. My supervisor proceeded to warn me that I was taking too much time off and this needed to change. I reminded her that I was a single mother and had no choice but to take the time off. It didn't matter. This was an extremely upsetting experience because I was told when I hired on that it would not be an issue for me to take time off for my children. I talked with my Mum about this and she told me that she would stay with them whenever they got sick. This meant that when I knew my son was sick and needed to stay home from school that day, she would get up at 5 am and drive from Auburn across the Cascade mountain pass to my house in Yakima so that I could get to work by 8 am. I appreciate and love her so much for her sacrifice.

I listen to my sister say that my Mums situation "is in God's hands". I would really like to know what the he!! does that mean? Truly ... is God guiding my Mum through the process of her death? Does God really have time to watch every single individual on this earth and be involved in all aspects of our lives? While I struggle with her concept, I don't say a word even though I don't believe it.

I consider myself a spiritual person. I believe in most things spiritual and realize that each person's spiritual journey on this planet belongs to them and only them. Who am I to say no, what you believe in is wrong. So I just roll with it and don't say a word. 

I was gardening today. I absolutely adore digging in Mother Earth. I feel a connection and a oneness when I do. Yet at the same time I feel guilty for disturbing, and quite possibly destroying the home of another living creature. Be it an ant, an earthworm, a slug ... who am I to think that my plan of adding flowers and pulling out plants that I don't evasion in my space is a good one? Again death presented itself to me.